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Showing posts from November, 2014

Real Xmas trees are twats

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When my ex wife and I were dating, before we were divorced, and not after. That would be hawte. We lived in a cozy apartment together. My ex wife, let’s call her Christine, like the car, was and still is pretty short, but full of piss and vinegar. The first Christmas together we decided to get a real tree. Hey, why not? We had our whole fabulous lives ahead of us together. I’ve long since mentally blocked out most of my past life, so I don’t remember any specifics on how or where we got the tree. But I’m sure it was fun. We put it up. There it stood, screwed to its stand in all of its green pine-scented glory. We then decorated the shit out of it.

At the end of Xmas, it was time to tear the tree down. All went smoothly until trying to get the damned tree stand off. The trunk had swollen and had a death grip on the metal eye hooks in the stand. The next scene will go down in the annals of Christmas history as one of the most heart-warming ever. As I was wrestling with, sw…

The cynic's guide to American politics

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Take your poison bitches.


America is a Plutocracy*You can’t fucking impeach Obama or repeal Obamacare, you fucking idiot you. Taking away 10 million people’s health insurance would result in another civil war.Evil corporations rule the US. Politicians are bought and paid for.There’s a thing called, “separation of church and state.” All you batshit-crazy religious zealots stay home and pray that zippers were never invented or something.There’s no magic widget that requires thousands of people in a factory to assemble. Those days are over. Anything that we do manufacture here is massively automated.If your kid gets mowed down in a mass school shooting with an AR-15, would you want stricter gun laws? Or would that just make you and your slack-jawed, Jesus-lovin’ redneck fucking friends move to a ranch in the desert and stock up on guns and ammo, waiting for the apocalypse?Kirsten Gillibrand is hawte.Mormons and door-to-door campaigners are the same thing.If you want to keep …