Showing posts from 2013
Merry Xmas!

Spot the celebrity

The next time you're at the local watering hole, I hope you play 'Spot The Celebrity.' This awesome game, that I made up btw, is the most fun you can have at a bar with your clothes on. The object of the game is to spot the celebrity look alike before anyone else does. You must use a smartphone to provide evidence for your submission. The ultimate goal of the game is to get a picture of the fake celeb without alerting him or her. So far, here are some of the best:
Allstate Insurance's Mayhem:

Howie Long, Mark Twain, and Sean William Scott:
Kris Kristofferson

Other celebs seen to date: David Tennant Sam Waterston Chumlee Katherine Helmund Mr. Miyagi Randy on 'My Name is Earl' Anne Wilson Neil Young  Layne Staley
Luckily, for me and my cohort, we are the bar staffs favorite customers, and they also are in on the game. When Sam Waterston comes in, we all hum the Law and Order mid scene, "dum dum" music

Happy #Thankslamenting


The Old Woman and the aerobics instructor

This is the sordid story of burning passion and hot bodies. No, it's not that type of story, sickos! Back in the late 70s and early 80s, there was a new boom in the exercise craze. Led by the likes of Richard Simmons, middle-aged housewives everywhere donned leg warmers, Spandex, and headbands to stretch and sweat in front of their console TVs.

Now, The Old Woman having an addictive-type personality, was all over this like ugly on an ape. The Family's brutal "no fat" policy of ribbing, and overall meanness didn't help either. So it's easy to say that mom was into it. It's also no secret that she was addicted to expensive clothes. She was a clothes horse. Fuck, she was a whole mounted Cavalry. I don't have any real data to back this up, but maybe, just maybe, the exercising reduced the spending a tad.

The Old Woman's favorite aerobics guru was a man named Gilad Janklowicz. His show was called Bodies in Motion. I always thought he was Greek, but lo…

Reality bites TV

I don't want to watch hillbillies, Amish teenagers, Armenian no-talents, bearded backwoods jackasses, toothless critter wranglers, leather-skinned middle aged housewives of any state, dancing with anyone or anything, or anyone in New Jersey.

Hate Abby Donovan


Happy birthday to me

I have so many awesome plans for my bday I don't even know where to begin.

Oh the humanity

It's hot outside. I mean it's really fawkin' hawt out thereah. Every day that it reaches the 90s, you can feel the power grid strain in agony. The humidity feels like a down blanket wrapped around your body. The low-level groan of ac units sort of lull you to sleep at night as you sweat to death in your sheets.

10 signs that you're older than 40

Once you get past 40 year mark, your birthday slams rather than sneaks up on you every year. Here are some signs that you've hit this hellish mark.

1. Your Facebook friends tell you how "great you look" even if you're a complete mess.

2. Those microfiber golf coats don't look half bad.

3. It's just easier to sit while you pee.

4. You'd rather watch the History Channel than have sex.

5. You try to avoid any food with onions in it.

6. You haven't listened to the radio in your car in years.

7. Every room in your house has an air freshener.

8. You can't wait until one of your kids turns 16 to be the designated driver.

9. There's no reason to go to the movies when they're out on RedBox in two months.

10. Pre-cooked rotisserie chicken.

They're stupid and they'll die!

When I was growing up, the 4th of July meant fireworks. Not just the show on the actual night of the 4th, but the kind you light yourself. My brother-in-law, let's call him Jack, used to get an assload of all types. I loved blowing things up with firecrackers. Back then even at like ten years old, adults trusted you not to shear off an arm with an M80. The funny/sad thing is today kids are so dumb it's more than likely they'll accidentally swallow a lit smoke bomb.

Cake, beer, and strangers

If you're ever in need of some awkward fun, go to the next birthday party that your child is invited to. Obviously, if the party is at some lasertag hell hole, just go run some errands. If the partaaay is at the parent's home, bring your kid in and look around. Do you see chips and dips laid out? Are there other adults there besides the parents? Yes? Then wait for the invite. "Why, yes, I will stay for a little while." Hopefully some halfway hot moms will also stay. Ha.

 How to tell if your hosts are alcoholics:

 If the kid's dad brings you a beer from the garage cooler that's filled with ice and beer, and he or the mother aren't drinking, then they are alcoholics. You can sort of tell by the look of agonizing ecstasy on their faces by watching you drink. They'll wait until the cake is eaten and everyone is gone to go all Days of Wine and Roses.

Mad Men reboot

Now that Mad Men is no longer about handkerchief squares, Fedoras and how cool it is to drink and smoke in the office, in a stunning admission on the Katie Couric show, the show's creator, Matthew Weiner says to expect massive changes for the final seasons. "I'm going to pull a Happy Days," admits Weiner. "You know, after the first couple of seasons they dispensed with the 50s styles and the cast was walking around in bell-bottoms and had long hair."

Weiner went on to say that next season of Mad Men will take place in modern times. "Expect to see Don Draper sitting at his desk answering emails on a MacBook Pro." Weiner says excitedly.


Happy Mother's Day

Kids to work day

I would never scar my kids for life by taking them to, "take your children to work day."

An atheist won't kill you

Odds are the perpetrators of the Boston bombing undoubtedly did it in the name of some "god."  Isn't it about time that the atheists and non-religious people take a stand and demand some bloody commonsense in this world? Dear worldwide religious crazies: your "Lord,",  "God,", what have you, helps no one, doesn't interfere with this world. He answers no one's prayers. There is no "Holy Land." Give it up. You live and then you die. That's probably it. There might be something out there after this life, but most likely it will be just as shitty.

So zealots, quit blowing people up. It's really dumb.

Google DNR

With the announcement of the new Google Inactive Account Manager, people close to death can now be sure that their personal data will be wiped from public view. If you should die all of a sudden, (hopefully), this cyber Do No Resuscitate clause can delete your Gmail,+, Blogger accounts, etc., after a specific time of inactivity. I've set mine to a year. Now you won't have the worry, as you're rotting away, that some asshole is trashing you on your blog. They'll have to actually come to your grave to piss on it.

Shitty American cars of The Old Man

I actually hate cars. If some geek physicist would invent the damn transporter, I would gladly never have one again. This hatred must stem from the absolutely horrible cars The Old Man bought when I was growing up. Everyone, a God fearing American piece of shit. The abject disdain and contempt that the American auto industry had for the public was appalling. They would throw their two tons of already rusting steel, vinyl and plastic together with no care that the thing would break down within a couple weeks.

Take in point these beauties that The Old Man had at various points:

1. The Pontiac Parisienne, very European. The Old Man had this car in a wonderful orange color, which was great because it hid the rust well. This tank would stall going up hills and lose 1/4 of its gas in trying to do so. The steering was so bad, even turning the wheel all of the way around you'd still be going straight.

2. The Buick Elektra. Ooh sounds futuristic doesn't it?

Another wretched purchase o…

Cubicle tomb

I've come to the sad conclusion that I'm going to have a massive coronary one day. "Sad," you say? Normally a sudden fatal heart attack would be a welcomed way to check out. But I'm going to have mine in my cubicle. There I'll sit, hand on the mouse copying and pasting. Then, bam! By the time anyone even notices, rigor will kick in and I'll start to smell. The coroner won't be able to pry me out of the position I'm in. Buried, with my left hand on the keyboard, right hand in copying/pasting mode, sitting, for all eternity on my rotten 15 year old hand-me-down office chair.

Cold cream

When I was little, probably a toddler or so, spring and summer nights were special times spent with my mother. If you are lucky, you may remember getting your spring pajamas. I always got little blue ones. What were they made of, polyester? Cotton? Who knows. All I know is that they were awesome.

Now the only way that these memories are fused into my brain is because of my mother's makeup. Makeup, you say? Yes, makeup. Let's just say my mother more than the average suburban housewife. The base of her makeup was water, fire, and locust-proof. She didn't just wear a little blush and maybe some eyeliner. No, this was all-out Hollywood movie set, studio light-proof coverage. So, hence, this sort of cake requires lots of effort to take off. You're talking, a hundred years of paint layers on door molding.

After dinner, my sister and I, let's call her Jennifer, would get our pj's on and climb into my mother's bed. She would get out her tissues, cotton balls and he…

IT necrosis

I'm pretty sure that any IT related job can cause one to actually die of boredom.

Happy VD


Greeting cards for people you hate


Ode to the plutocracy

What everyone fails to realize is that we live in a plutocracy (the wealthy and powerful rule the hordes of poor). Democracy is an illusion and a lie. Your only rights are to toil away in your gray cubicle feeding the rich until you die. Oh sure, there are some that escape the Matrix, but not very often. And that Charlie Brown is what America is all about.

Zeromancer Bye Bye Borderline

Zeromancer's new CD comes out on 1/25 get it or you only have yourself to blame.AmazonUK