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Showing posts from June, 2012

Greeting cards for people you hate

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Happy Birthday to The Old Woman

Happy Birthday to The Old Woman!!!

A Father's Day story

As my son gets older and we spend more time together doing various things, I think about The Old Man. In this entry I will call him my father. My father had me when he was much older than people had kids back then. So I never really went out and played football with him like a Kennedy or anything. It was always the little things that we did together that made me feel the best, like his only kid.
    The happiest memories of my father were of watching TV with him at night after he came home from work. He would get out the sharp cheese, crackers, and he'd have his Twelve Horse Ale. I'd sit on his lap and watch the A-Team or Mike Hammer. Sometimes when I couldn't sleep, shocker right?, he would let me watch Johnny Carson with him.
    Father's Day is pretty special for a son. I'm sure you can remember making many dad-themed gifts in school. Made with gallons of Elmer's glue and Popsicle sticks, you hoped that it would elicit a very happy reaction. I can recall…

How to walk in an apartment and not drive your neighbors nuts

Like most people who have had their lives torched by an ex-spouse, I live in a one bedroom apartment. When you live in a one bedroom apartment, little things annoy you easily. When little things annoy you easily, you write a blog about it. For some cosmic nightmare of a reason, I always have heel walkers living above me. Heel walkers are, you guessed it, people that walk on their heels-a lot. They move through space driving their heel into the floor like they’re trying to kill snakes. This makes one hell of an impact. I don’t care if humans naturally land on the heel when they walk. When someone lives below you, walk flat footed. Skechers Midnight Shoes

The Old Man's green thumb

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Now, The Old Man was never known for his gardening prowess. In fact, he couldn't grow a bush or tree if his life depended on it. What The Old Man could grow, was an abundance of weeds. Not that he really cared about growing anything - he actually liked his weeds. The Old Man grew climbing weeds like ivy. They grew on the fence surrounding his glorious pool. I surmise, he imagined they were growing on some ancient stone walls at an English estate.

I had intimate personal knowledge of The Old Man's weeds. I was in charge of the groundskeeping crew on the estate. I'm pretty sure the weeds were made out of Kevlar and PVC. I could hear them laughing as I approached with the weed whacker.

As you may know, The Old Man, and his pool have fallen into disrepair. Sadly and inexplicably, the weeds have over-taken the pool. The weird shrub-type things in the picture above aren't sitting on top of the cover. No, they're growing up from the bottom. Yes, there's a whole fucki…