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Showing posts from January, 2012

Put your tuna in the air (and shake it like you just don't care)

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I've become very adept at surviving on little or no money/food/will to live. I attribute this, "Never give up until your leader kills himself," strength to my German heritage. I know what you’re saying, "Eric, I'm filthy rich, so how can I be more like you?" I'll tell you. For you rich people out there wanting to experience how "real" life can get, here are some steps you can take to immerse yourself in the hell.


PHASE 1


If you are used to such fancy foods like steak, lobster and Cornish game hens, then this process will be a bitch. Start by weaning yourself off of that aristocratic slop. Take it slow, you may suffer a series of debilitating withdraw seizures. I have no doubt that you will survive, but you must be strong. For this to really work, you will have to eliminate all temptation to go hog-wild at your favorite high-brow specialty foods store. So, a few weeks before hand, up your contribution percentage to your retirement/401k plan that …

Melatonin-induced TV show ideas

Since starting my herbal sleeping pill nightly regimen, I have been suffering through brain-chewing lucid dreams/nightmares. Most of these dreams involve some sort of task that I have complete until finished. Then, I wake up for a few minutes and it continues from the start again. It's a ton of fun. Luckily, I can remember all of these tasks the next morning. After wincing through the first five minutes of Celebrity Wife-Swap last night, I figure I can easily created a better premiss for a show. Here's some of them.
Ex-Date: Contestants try to sabotage their ex's blind dates using clandestine measures.
Eviction!: Contestants must volunteer at various soup kitchens and homeless shelters to win a years worth of rent.
Break-in: Contestants try to keep burglars from entering their homes using non-lethal measures.
Pest Patrol: Tag along with exterminators to rid dwellings of vermin. (Hosted by Mike Rowe).
Homecoming: Contestants are forced to live with their aging parents for a few …