Showing posts from 2012

Android 4.2 photo filters

If you received a new Android tablet or phone for xmas, and are lucky enough to get an actual Google Nexus device, here are a few features that you might not know about. The new gallery app that comes with Android Jelly Bean 4.2 is phenomenal. Running a device with ~4.1.1? root that pos and get the camera and gallery app from here:

First up,  the filters. They're not the over the top ones of the Instagram type. They're really very subtle. My favorite is called Bleach. It's a high contrast - desaturated effect based on bleach bypass. You also can undo any effect. Android will save an edited version.

Next, the borders. You have some choices here ranging from black, white, square, messy  and rounded. 

You can also crop and edit saturation, exposure and adjust curves, and add vignette, etc.

Happy birthday to The Old Man


Greatest ever

Should be in Time

RIP Heidi the evil cat

Hell has a new mascot.              Heidi
~1666 - Dec 4 2012

Save money by killing Santa Claus

In these uncertain economic times, spending gobs of cash on Xmas gifts is detrimental on the holiday budget. I came up with a brilliant idea for parents with young brats at home. Kill off that fat red bastard. No not Satan, Santa Claus. Get rid of the endlessly droning wish list of toys, games and other useless shit that will be tossed in a closet by New Year's. Telling the kids that there's no Santa will put their little minds at ease. Only getting a couple gifts under the tree will be good for them. No more thinking that Santa has limitless amounts of resources, and the slave labor-elven workforce. This will teach your kids that Santa doesn't hate them, you do. I always hear parents tell their children that they pay Santa for some of the "big" toys. Really, that's quite a ludicrous notion. An omnipotent being like Santa has no need for money. Go the whole yard and say you pay for all of the toys. So parents, try it out. I think that in the long run, your ch…

Owen Slater

I'm too pissed this week about the death of Owen Slater on Boardwalk Empire to create a new card. Suck it writers.

How to tell when it's time to jump in front of a speeding bus

For those wack jobs out there that have a hard time telling when every other living thing on the planet despises you, I've come up with some handy tips. You can use these to gage whether or not you should off yourself.

1. Look into a mirror. When you do this and notice that your eyes are bugging out and moving wildly, this is a good sign that you're certifiable. This is called, "crazy eyes" syndrome. Normal people are afraid of these eyes. If you do indeed have "crazy eyes", stop right here and find a sharp knife.

2. Hate me today. If you do a Google search and find three or more websites out there devoted to your slow painful death, you might actually be hated enough to just not be alive any longer.

3. Hold please. If you consider state child support or unemployment agency workers, your good friends, wine is fine but whiskey's quicker!
4. Black crows. If everywhere you go crows follow and drop animal carcasses at your feet, well, you know.

Happy Halloween


Weekly Boardwalk Empire motivational card

If you are a huge fan of HBO's Boardwalk Empire, you know that there is always a nice heartwarming scene at some point during the show. I plan on highlighting this wonderful moment in one of those dumb motivational-esque posters.  As it is late in the season, I plan on going back through the episodes and creating ones based upon each week. Here is this week's, featuring the always delightful Gilligan Darmody.

Episode 32:

More bday wishes

Happy hellish 40th to my NY hillbilly Lisa. Hopefully, it will be as depressing as mine was.

Birthday wishes

Happy birthday to my very bitchin' sister, let's call her Jennifer.

It depends

A hearty chuckle and guffaw goes out to the asshole who sent me these for my bday. But not too hearty, I might wet myself.

You're just lucky that you have a job

It seems that today the prevailing mode of thinking by employers today is that their employees should just be happy in the slave labor that they are chained to. This really should annoy the hell out of you. At some point with no raises, advancement, or other incentives, workers are just going to say, fuck it, and go out and pave driveways for a living. This might be a little cynical. I'm a realist, which is to say life is real shitty.


You were always there when I needed you.
You knew what I was going to say before I said it.
You comforted me when I was down.
I tried to be a son you could be proud of.
I was always proud that you were my mother.
We will see each other again, somewhere, sometime.
I love you my very special person, mom.

The end is only the beginning

I can only imagine the pain of watching a parent die is second only to loss of one’s child. I can't seem to find comfort in any truths that I know. She is in there behind those beautiful eyes. Even though she cannot speak and her body is shutting down, she gives me a little pucker as I go to kiss her. I know my mother is still there. That is the most heart breaking part. What is she thinking? What sort of calculations, memories, and thoughts are going through her mind? I know that she has pain. The drugs are taking care of that. I can only dream, hope - scream, that she finds peace.

Celebrate good times...Come on!

Yes! I've made it though another
indescribably horrible, monotonous,
mind warping, and yes, excruciating year.
Rah, rah, on the bright side, it's one year
closer to the end.

Happy Birthday Madison


Greeting cards for people you hate


Happy Birthday to The Old Woman

Happy Birthday to The Old Woman!!!

A Father's Day story

As my son gets older and we spend more time together doing various things, I think about The Old Man. In this entry I will call him my father. My father had me when he was much older than people had kids back then. So I never really went out and played football with him like a Kennedy or anything. It was always the little things that we did together that made me feel the best, like his only kid.
    The happiest memories of my father were of watching TV with him at night after he came home from work. He would get out the sharp cheese, crackers, and he'd have his Twelve Horse Ale. I'd sit on his lap and watch the A-Team or Mike Hammer. Sometimes when I couldn't sleep, shocker right?, he would let me watch Johnny Carson with him.
    Father's Day is pretty special for a son. I'm sure you can remember making many dad-themed gifts in school. Made with gallons of Elmer's glue and Popsicle sticks, you hoped that it would elicit a very happy reaction. I can recall…

How to walk in an apartment and not drive your neighbors nuts

Like most people who have had their lives torched by an ex-spouse, I live in a one bedroom apartment. When you live in a one bedroom apartment, little things annoy you easily. When little things annoy you easily, you write a blog about it. For some cosmic nightmare of a reason, I always have heel walkers living above me. Heel walkers are, you guessed it, people that walk on their heels-a lot. They move through space driving their heel into the floor like they’re trying to kill snakes. This makes one hell of an impact. I don’t care if humans naturally land on the heel when they walk. When someone lives below you, walk flat footed. Skechers Midnight Shoes

The Old Man's green thumb

Now, The Old Man was never known for his gardening prowess. In fact, he couldn't grow a bush or tree if his life depended on it. What The Old Man could grow, was an abundance of weeds. Not that he really cared about growing anything - he actually liked his weeds. The Old Man grew climbing weeds like ivy. They grew on the fence surrounding his glorious pool. I surmise, he imagined they were growing on some ancient stone walls at an English estate.

I had intimate personal knowledge of The Old Man's weeds. I was in charge of the groundskeeping crew on the estate. I'm pretty sure the weeds were made out of Kevlar and PVC. I could hear them laughing as I approached with the weed whacker.

As you may know, The Old Man, and his pool have fallen into disrepair. Sadly and inexplicably, the weeds have over-taken the pool. The weird shrub-type things in the picture above aren't sitting on top of the cover. No, they're growing up from the bottom. Yes, there's a whole fucki…

Gym class memories that still make you cringe

In the ever-inventive world of gym teachers, few came up with more maniacal activities than the ones I had as a kid. As the old stupid saying goes, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, but they weren’t talking about gym class. I have gathered up some of the best, although it has caused me much agony to do so. I will omit the ubiquitous “square dancing," as I’m sure everyone has suffered this extreme torture worthy of a master Gestapo agent. I blame this wretched coed embarrassment on the popularity of country music and Hee Haw in the 70’s.
The Pool  Ok, I guess you are lucky if you have a school district with enough money to have a pool in a few schools, but swimming ten laps in an Olympic-sized pool is not my idea of a fun time. Most of the burnouts practically had heart attacks after one lap. Adding sand to the Vaseline in this was the fact that we had to wear used Speedo-type bathing suits. Oh yes they were supposedly washed every day, but still, ick. I don’t know if …

When I was a kid...

I think some of you may agree with me that kids today are mentally incapable of doing anything for themselves without dying. When I was a kid and had something to do outside of school and it was not blizzarding, I would ride my bike. Yes, my ancient banana seat, rust/red spray painted bike. We would ride our bikes everywhere. You know what unfortunately? I’m still here. People had cars back then. They were even heavier back then. I never knew one kid that was squished by a Ford. If The Old Man had to drive nine kids around non-stop all week long, he would have gotten snipped after the first one.So remember parents, when you sign your kids up for some, “insert cute-sounding” activity here, you will be the one carting them around. Oh, it might be fun at first, when they are still little and adorable. But, it will get tiresome soon, especially in the case of things like, say, karate. This evil “sport” is run by a consortium of extortionists and blackmailers. The whole thing is designe…

The enemy sees your light

Now that the US is finally scraping its way out from under the six feet of earth that the Bush administration buried it under, one can only hope that neither of the two Republican presidential hopefuls get anywhere near the White House. We really don't need another yahoo at the reins, invading Arab countries for no reason at all. Spending trillions on war, busting unions and banning contraception is no way to run a country. My .02.

Happy V-Day


Put your tuna in the air (and shake it like you just don't care)

I've become very adept at surviving on little or no money/food/will to live. I attribute this, "Never give up until your leader kills himself," strength to my German heritage. I know what you’re saying, "Eric, I'm filthy rich, so how can I be more like you?" I'll tell you. For you rich people out there wanting to experience how "real" life can get, here are some steps you can take to immerse yourself in the hell.


If you are used to such fancy foods like steak, lobster and Cornish game hens, then this process will be a bitch. Start by weaning yourself off of that aristocratic slop. Take it slow, you may suffer a series of debilitating withdraw seizures. I have no doubt that you will survive, but you must be strong. For this to really work, you will have to eliminate all temptation to go hog-wild at your favorite high-brow specialty foods store. So, a few weeks before hand, up your contribution percentage to your retirement/401k plan that …

Melatonin-induced TV show ideas

Since starting my herbal sleeping pill nightly regimen, I have been suffering through brain-chewing lucid dreams/nightmares. Most of these dreams involve some sort of task that I have complete until finished. Then, I wake up for a few minutes and it continues from the start again. It's a ton of fun. Luckily, I can remember all of these tasks the next morning. After wincing through the first five minutes of Celebrity Wife-Swap last night, I figure I can easily created a better premiss for a show. Here's some of them.
Ex-Date: Contestants try to sabotage their ex's blind dates using clandestine measures.
Eviction!: Contestants must volunteer at various soup kitchens and homeless shelters to win a years worth of rent.
Break-in: Contestants try to keep burglars from entering their homes using non-lethal measures.
Pest Patrol: Tag along with exterminators to rid dwellings of vermin. (Hosted by Mike Rowe).
Homecoming: Contestants are forced to live with their aging parents for a few …