Hello, uh where the bloody hell am I?

With recent slew of washed-up 80s metal and hair bands going back on tour to support their various addictions, my brother and I have decided to pitch a new reality TV show to VH-1. The show will be called On Tour Now! Each week, the show will follow a different band to their gig du jour. Of course, there will be a little bio of the band of the week filled with videos and images of their glory days. As a running gag on the show, every band will have extreme hatred for Bon Jovi and all of their/his success. In the cut scenes, we'll interview people on the street and ask them if they remember any of band of the weeks hits. Every person will of course name a Bon Jovi song.

Let's take your average platinum record selling band like Ratt, our first show's band of the week. Ratt has sold around 20 million records according to Wikipedia. The first scene opens with a zoom-in on some wretched motor lodge as the Ratt tour van pulls into the parking lot. Straggly fifty-something's pile out of the back and pull up their once-form fitting leather pants. Now the muffin tops pour out the waist and there is no longer room to stuff a sock down the crotch.

As the bands manager/roadie/door charge taker checks them into the motel, they reminisce sitting by the algae and garbage-covered pool. (Each week this will consist of phrases like: "Remember that tour with Def Leppard," or, "I wish I still had that red Ferrari."

Fade in to the band getting ready for the show by eating pizza and drinking Löwenbräu. We see the once hot lead singer, Stephen Pearcy, looking in the bathroom mirror and choking back the tears. "Oh what level of bloody Hell have I sunk to!" he screams.

Flash to the show. A hand held camera closes in on the venue. It's really just some horrible dive bar. 1980's Camaros and Trans Ams line the gravel parking lot. As the cameraman enters the bar, darkness give way to the crowd, which consists of leather-skinned women and men with beer guts and mullets.

Hello Scriba!

As once great songs like Lay It Down, and You're In Love, are spewed out like a cat choking on a week old hair ball, the fans relive long dead memories. After the show at the meet and greet, Stephen Pearcy is asked to sign a woman's breast. "I'll lift up my shirt." she says. On camera you see Stephen's eyes look all the way down to the woman's stomach as she lifts up her shirt. "Uh, yeah maybe that's not a good idea." he says.

Well, there you have it. The next sure fire reality TV hit coming soon to VH-1.

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