That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. How to stalk hot chicks at Target.

Even though I spent some hellish months working at Target, shopping there is a different beast entirely. I'm always in awe of the high-quality hotness of the women that I see in any Target that I go to. There are also many hot mom types with their kids in tow. Usually, the brats are screaming about some toy or candy that they want. Unfortunately for men in their mid thirty's, their female counterparts have all fallen apart and have become old hags. All those years of laying in a tanning bed has turned their skin into a candidate for a knockoff Gucci hand bag. This is especially true if they have popped out a couple of kids. Ugh, that's just an all around disaster area down in the nether region. That sexy tramp stamp tattoo has now just become a green blur riding the back fat wave. So it's refreshing to actually see hot moms walking around Target and it makes me wonder where the hell they come from.

So here's the typical stalk outing:
1. Enter the store and get your cart.  (This will make it seem like you have a life and are buying things for other people in your household).

2. Start out in the women's clothing section. (Don't actually go into the individual aisles, just stay in the main one). Eye your prey and take note of it for later.

3. Now head on over to men's clothing, hey you have to see if there's anything new on sale.

4. Make your way to the toys section. Look around and maybe pick up a Transformers car or something and put it in your cart. (This will disarm any potential victim and lull her into a false sense of security. Any man buying a toy for a kid can't be that bad). Don't approach any hot moms with children. Women with children are already in a bad mood and tend to lash out at the nearest man.

5. Saunter on over to the cleaning and air freshener aisles. If there are any chicks there, look confused and pick up some laundry detergent. Start to read the label and scratch your head. (This will wretch the motherly instincts out of the nearest chick and she will attempt to learn you in the art of washing clothes if asked). Tell her of your new place that you just moved into and how you turned one of your white dress shirts pink by washing a red polo shirt with it. If you aren't a complete hideous mess, you may have a shot at getting her number. Otherwise, at least you have a nice visual for when you are home alone at night.

6. After you have done your shopping and all else has failed, go on back to women's clothing or jewelry.  If there are any hotties there, look confusingly at some watches tell her you are looking for a gift for your sister's birthday. Ask her which one she likes.

If you follow these simple steps and maybe you'll stop being the lonely pathetic loser that you are. Or you will just get maced.

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