Showing posts from April, 2010

The top home improvements made by The Old Man

As I have written before, The Old Man had an unmatched skill at coming up with insane projects around the estate. This will be a two part segment and I will attempt to list the coolest and most ingenious.

Although I wasn't around for the first twenty some odd years of the estate, stories have been handed down for what seem like an millennia. So in no certain order, here they are.

The Blue Vinyl Siding

The estate spent many years covered in a hard siding that was made out of asbestos siding seen here:

Well after a couple different paint schemes, the house looked dated and scary, it was time to replace the old siding.  The Old Man debated long and hard on what to replace the sad asbestos with and he decided on vinyl siding. He struck a deal with a contractor who he put a furnace in for and work was set to begin. But first, the old siding had to come off.  So the work force sprang into action and began ripping it off the house. But where would the workers put the broken pieces? A rent…

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. How to stalk hot chicks at Target.

Even though I spent some hellish months working at Target, shopping there is a different beast entirely. I'm always in awe of the high-quality hotness of the women that I see in any Target that I go to. There are also many hot mom types with their kids in tow. Usually, the brats are screaming about some toy or candy that they want. Unfortunately for men in their mid thirty's, their female counterparts have all fallen apart and have become old hags. All those years of laying in a tanning bed has turned their skin into a candidate for a knockoff Gucci hand bag. This is especially true if they have popped out a couple of kids. Ugh, that's just an all around disaster area down in the nether region. That sexy tramp stamp tattoo has now just become a green blur riding the back fat wave. So it's refreshing to actually see hot moms walking around Target and it makes me wonder where the hell they come from.
So here's the typical stalk outing: 1. Enter the store and get you…

The SS Deflation- the air mattress from Hell

In a recent trip back home, I chose to stay with my parents at the old estate. This would also allow me to spend some much needed time with my son. Not to mention The Old Man and Old Woman in their last few remaining years. Fortunately for us the old mansion in the city is still in great shape and has a multitude of rooms in which to frolic. My son picked out his own knotty pine laden room and plugged in his Nintendo DS charger and laid out his Webkinz animals on the bed. By bed I mean moth eaten mattress laying on the floor. Luckily, my son is very resilient and lets many thing roll off his back. After we scraped off the layer of dust off on TV in the room, we were ready for a fabulous night.
After a while we were ready for bed.  As I lay there on the same mattress with my son, his asthma and other ailments kicked in and the snoring and snorting began. Now, there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for this kid. I would gladly take a bullet for him.  I barely slept, but it was wor…

Death Becomes Me is back

I have decided to moon conformity and reinstate the blog forever.  I refuse to compromise who I am just to make money.