Showing posts from August, 2009

The Target Spirit-Killing Chant

Why am I always surrounded by shiny happy gung-ho sheeple?  At The Red, there are little meetings called Team Huddles.  They are impromptu gatherings in various aisles during the shift.  Huddles are meant to gather up the Borg drones and disperse orders and other store information.  If you come across one of these while shopping for toys and patio furniture, please, try not to stare.  There are bound to be at least two worker drones that are not yet fully assimilated into The Red Collective.  If you make eye contact with this version, you may get in tune with their brutal inner-mind screaming and your ears may start to bleed.

Occasionally, one of the life-long "retail work is the greatest job ever" managers, will do something in the huddle that makes me want to tear open one of the cutlery sets and wield a serrated steak knife around.  At the end, we all must thrust our fists into the center of the huddle circle and one worker chants.  My inner ear lid automatically shuts at …

After a while you don't really notice the pee smell.

You know, the thought of moving to the Big O is like buying a scratch off lottery ticket and the prizes are: Flesh-eating bacteria, getting knee-capped, or drowning in your own vomit.  So I've decided to make a Pros and Cons list. Oh sure, I have a couple of different options, and one really good one, but that would require medical intervention to treat someone's OCD and sex addictions.  So unfortunately, the old estate is probably the, gulp, cry, only one.
Pros Get to save some money Get to be with my parents in their last remaining wretched years of life All the snow I can possibly stomach Hearing the phrase: Nazi bitch 10 times a day
Three elegant upstairs rooms in which to plan my death
Get to quit The Red

Cons Get to be with my parents in their last remaining wretched years of life All the snow I can possibly stomach Undoubtably, some drunk will sideswipe my car on the street The TV is on at 600 decibels 45 minute ride to and fro to the salt mine everyday Four words: Frank and Marie Ba…

FOR SALE: Quaint country farm house/portal to Hell.

This is the first in my three part series outlining the luxury rental properties of The Old Man. Like an in-ground pool, having rental properties in the old hometown is also a sign of "making it." The best known and all around coolest was affectionately known as the Funhouse, or The Ponderosa. It was a great white farmhouse way out in the country. Its sprawling grounds and gorgeous Georgian architecture were beloved by the locals. Well, this is what The Old Man thought when first laying his eyes on the property. The Old Man and his son, let's call him Al Jr., purchased the white beauty in hopes of cashing in on the rent the multi-room building would bring. Plus, it was in the perfect location. About two miles away was one of the areas nuclear power plants. Surely, contract workers from other parts of the country would love to live that close to their work.

Soon, The Old Man's work force (i.e., his kids), were indentured into getting the Funhouse ready for ten…

Official Death Becomes Me Movie List

This week I will be unleashing my list of recommended movies. Each of them will have some sort of horrible gut-wrenching life is a mess type of plot to them. In no particular order of course. I will update this list as I see fit.

Wanted A miserable accountant working in a cube farm finds out that he has special powers. (James McAvoy, Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman, Thomas Kretschmann)
In America An aspiring Irish actor moves his family to the slums of New York City in the 1980's. Get out the tissues for this one. (Patrick Considine, Samantha Morton)
Unfaithful Normally, I'm all for gratuitous sex in movies, but this one makes me want to put a knife in the nearest woman. (Diane Lane, Richard Gere)
Marty A lonely butcher living with his mother tries to find someone to marry in 1950's New York City. (Ernest Borgnine)
Stalingrad German soldiers freeze to death in Russia. If you find this, get the German version with English subtitles. The dubbed version is god-awful. (Thomas Kretsch…