Job interview tips for the damned.

It is time once again for another job interview. Hearing those words usually makes me want to break a beer bottle and stick it into my neck. This is a brutal pressure cooker that I liken to a Gestapo interrogation. I have been on so many interviews, I have post traumatic stress syndrome. When the new job actually has the potential to bring some sort of relief from the monotony, I get really excited.

Unfortunately, most employers still use the same stale old questions for everyone they interview. With the help of a certain soulless bank manager, let's call him Craig, I have compiled a list of common questions that make old school bosses cream their pants. I will give the question then the answer I want to give, and then what I should say.

1. What do you know about our company?
BAD: Nothing. I just emailed my resume to someone on Monster.com. Your receptionist is smokin' hot though.
GOOD: (Have a printout from company website from the "about us" link) You have many very interesting projects and clients listed on your website, can you tell me a little more about your client list?
2. What are your strengths and your weaknesses?
BAD: I am very good at video games. I have a weakness for taking a liquid lunch.
GOOD: I have a voracious need to learn and I thrive on challenge. My only weakness is that I try to do too much at one time. But, I am a great multitasker, so I always get my work done.
3. Where do you look to be 3 years from now?
BAD: I want to be an international playboy.
GOOD: I would like to find a nice stable position with the opportunity for growth.
4. What do you do in your current job?
BAD: I stare at a computer screen for eight hours a day. My office building is in the landing path of the Syracuse airport, you see, so I just sit there and hope that a jet loses an engine. Oh! Did I say that out loud? Sorry.
GOOD: I am one of the lucky few in my company that gets to compile all of the data from our various environmental remediation projects and prepare it for our clients.
5. What do you like most about your current job?  What do you like least?
 BAD: My office is five minutes from my apartment.  The pathetic amount of pay that I receive only allows me to afford $100 a month in food and soon I will be forced to sell sexual favors in back alleys.  That and I can't wear shorts to work.
GOOD:  Being involved in the cleanup efforts of many environmental disaster sites, is what makes my job at the end of the day worthwhile.  I was hoping at this stage in my career to be making a salary worthy of my talents.

 Those are just a few of the random dronings that can be launched at you during an interview.  If you learn to bite your tongue and say the right things, you too can be gainfully employed in the paper-pushing middle management position of your dreams.

Come on shoddy American inspecting of jet engine bolts!

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