How to annoy the ex in three easy steps.
Originally, I was going to write about dealing with the IRS this week, but the tears running down my face, arms, and hands will short out my keyboard. Therefore, this week's topic will be how to annoy your ex in three easy steps.
1) Get a low-paying part-time job. With such meager restitution your part-time job cannot merit paying a baby sitter. Guess what? The ex must watch the kids when you work. Now don't get too cocky. You will end up being bludgeoned by the harpy somehow. But like Superman taking a kryptonite enema, the ex will feel some sort of discomfort. So raise a half-smile and drop that kid off at the witch's castle.
2) Tell your 11 year old daughter that you agree to buy a her complete Goth wardrobe for the upcoming school year. Yes! I can die a happy man, well not really. My offspring has inherited my unique outlook on life. And by unique, I mean napalming every person on the planet. My daughter wants to become a vampire and change her name to Raven. I know what you're saying, "Eric, you can't let a little girl dress like Rob Zombie." Yes, I can. Currently, her "look" is hooker makeup and a push-up bra. So yeah, black nail polish and a dog collar will be an improvement. Best of all the ex will despise you. Prepare for hate emails and text messages.
3) Kill them...with kindness. Give them compliments like, "Wow, that tight shirt really hides the stomach cellulite." Does the wretched ex have a new significant other? Make comments along the lines of, "Your new boyfriend sounds really boring." Or, "Man, if you get pregnant, with both your set of genes, that kid is going to look like Captain Caveman." Anything to plant that seed of doubt in their evil little brain to make them say, "You know, he's not so bad after all. In fact, he's a friggin catch."
Remember, you don't want the ex back. The unrelenting pain and agonizing stress would be too great to overcome.
Honey, call me. Please!
Next week: Dating tips for the clinically depressed.