Dating tips for the clinically depressed.

Spring is here and love is in the air. OK. I know, I know, you're saying, "Eric, people who want to hurl themselves in front of a bus need some lovin' too?" Yeah, sad but true. Though, there is sort of a problem with this scenario. It's hard to attract the opposite sex, or the same sex if you swing that way, when you HATE the world.

There is hope. You too can follow a few short tips to find the love of your life, or at least one that won't hang up on you when you call them.

Location. Location. Location. The best places for the morbidly depressed to meet are not bars and parties. Instead, one must retool one's thinking. Hospitals, doctor's offices, funerals, are all great places to meet people.

The more horrible the place or event the better. With death, dismemberment, root canals, prostate exams, blood work, and pelvic exams all around you, your sad demeanor can be masked. For instance, you are sitting in your dentist's office waiting to be poked and scraped for your bi-yearly cleaning, and you see and beautiful young Fraulein across the room. You notice that she is nervous and shifting around in her chair. Strike up a conversation. Say things like: "You know dentists have the greatest number of suicides by profession." Or: "I hate when the hygienist tells me my gums are bleeding. Yeah, no shit, you just rammed that pick an inch into my gum line." Trust me, laughs will ensue.

Following this simple plan will ensure at least a couple of dates before the other person finds out what a wretched and horrible mess you really are.

Next week: Disgusting personal habits of co-workers. Plus: How much pizza can you possibly eat?

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