I was born. I suffered.
I suffered some more, and hopefully,
I won't die a painful death.
This is my life.

Happy Holidays, why the fuck am I here?

Merry fucking Christmas
A long time ago, my family used to have epic Xmas parties. Now everyone has moved away, and it's all gone to shit. From our long family history of merry-making, I have compiled this list of tips to help you survive the holidays.

1. Drink heavily--just a given.
2. Have thick skin. There will be lots of snide remarks and ribbing. See number 1.
3. Going along with number 2, try and look your best. Diet heavily, even if you have to become a  bulimic for a couple of weeks before hand.
4. Your kids and a relative's kids will fight and eventually destroy any fun you may be having. See number 1.
5. Get drunk faster than your spouse, so he/she will be the designated driver.
6. Bring your host a gift, preferably wine in one of those velvet wine bags.
7. Tell your know-it-all uncle to stfu.
8. Your wife never lets you have sex on Xmas Eve, so you don't have to be that nice to her.
9. Make sure you bring pj's for your kids if it's a Christmas Eve party. They will be asleep by the time you get home, and they'll be dead weights.
10. Your family will forgive you most things. Divert most of the blame to your spouse.