I was born. I suffered.
I suffered some more, and hopefully,
I won't die a painful death.
This is my life.

Real Xmas trees are twats

When my ex wife and I were dating, before we were divorced, and not after. That would be hawte. We lived in a cozy apartment together. My ex wife, let’s call her Christine, like the car, was and still is pretty short, but full of piss and vinegar. The first Christmas together we decided to get a real tree. Hey, why not? We had our whole fabulous lives ahead of us together. I’ve long since mentally blocked out most of my past life, so I don’t remember any specifics on how or where we got the tree. But I’m sure it was fun. We put it up. There it stood, screwed to its stand in all of its green pine-scented glory. We then decorated the shit out of it.

At the end of Xmas, it was time to tear the tree down. All went smoothly until trying to get the damned tree stand off. The trunk had swollen and had a death grip on the metal eye hooks in the stand. The next scene will go down in the annals of Christmas history as one of the most heart-warming ever. As I was wrestling with, swearing at, and beating the Xmas tree to try to wrench the stand off of it, a little plastic ornament that normally hung on the patio door, fell down and lodged itself in the door track. The ornament had, “Sisters are Special,” written on it. At this point I was pretty frustrated and hot, so I tried to open the patio door. It was stuck. I became furious and yelled, “Sisters are Special!” Christine proceeded to scream, “Boyfriends are assholes!” It was classic.
Not the actual infamous Sisters are Special ornament

At some point Chrissy got the Sisters are Special ornament out of the door groove. The tree was still bolted to the stand, and I couldn’t take it any longer. I slammed open the door and hurled the Xmas tree, stand and all, over the second floor balcony where it landed with an earth shattering thud into the apartment parking lot.
Looking back, I suppose I could have just brought the tree down the stairs. But that’s not how I roll. So really people, unless you’re a complete raving masochist, just get a fucking fake Xmas tree.

The cynic's guide to American politics

Take your poison bitches.

  1. America is a Plutocracy*
  2. You can’t fucking impeach Obama or repeal Obamacare, you fucking idiot you. Taking away 10 million people’s health insurance would result in another civil war.
  3. Evil corporations rule the US. Politicians are bought and paid for.
  4. There’s a thing called, “separation of church and state.” All you batshit-crazy religious zealots stay home and pray that zippers were never invented or something.
  5. There’s no magic widget that requires thousands of people in a factory to assemble. Those days are over. Anything that we do manufacture here is massively automated.
  6. If your kid gets mowed down in a mass school shooting with an AR-15, would you want stricter gun laws? Or would that just make you and your slack-jawed, Jesus-lovin’ redneck fucking friends move to a ranch in the desert and stock up on guns and ammo, waiting for the apocalypse?
  7. Kirsten Gillibrand is hawte.
  8. Mormons and door-to-door campaigners are the same thing.
  9. If you want to keep your party, you can keep your party. It doesn’t matter. They are both the same.
  10. Again, America isn't the world’s police force. We don't have the money to go around toppling dictators and miscellaneous Islamic nutjobs. If they want to destroy us, let them come here. They'll ultimately feel sad for us, with our crumbling roads, bridges and infrastructure and go back to their desert shitholes.
*(the wealthy and powerful rule the hordes of poor)