The Old Woman and the aerobics instructor


This is the sordid story of burning passion and hot bodies. No, it's not that type of story, sickos! Back in the late 70s and early 80s, there was a new boom in the exercise craze. Led by the likes of Richard Simmons, middle-aged housewives everywhere donned leg warmers, Spandex, and headbands to stretch and sweat in front of their console TVs.

Now, The Old Woman having an addictive-type personality, was all over this like ugly on an ape. The Family's brutal "no fat" policy of ribbing, and overall meanness didn't help either. So it's easy to say that mom was into it. It's also no secret that she was addicted to expensive clothes. She was a clothes horse. Fuck, she was a whole mounted Cavalry. I don't have any real data to back this up, but maybe, just maybe, the exercising reduced the spending a tad.

The Old Woman's favorite aerobics guru was a man named Gilad Janklowicz. His show was called Bodies in Motion. I always thought he was Greek, but looking at Wikipedia, he's Israeli. Anyway, he had an accent. His show came out at a time when VCRs were first causing a revolution in the home. Mom was born in a time when there was no such word as technology. Yet The Old Woman could program the shit out of that Zenith. We had enough Bodies in Motion taped on VHS to last a lifetime. All, basically the same episode.

Mom would start in the morning when Gilad came on. I'm pretty sure the show was on ESPN. You could always hear The Old Woman's bracelets and necklaces clanking with every jump and bounce. Gilad was actually a good salesman. It was like he was speaking directly to Mom. I swore he said, "Come on Dorothy, you can do it!" once. Oh, how mom loved her foreign salespeople. The heavier the accent the better.

Unfortunately for the everyone, The Old Woman traded her exercise addiction for the buying and attempted raising of these asinine Cocker Spaniels - worst dogs ever! That pretty much killed all of mom's energy. Tending to the various issues and diseases of the two bitches was her full time job, driving everyone nuts in the process. Hence, this is why I loathe pets.

There you have it. I hope The Old Woman is somewhere right now doing some sort of step aerobics, gold chains and diamonds shining and jangling away. And no dogs in sight. 

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