I was born. I suffered.
I suffered some more, and hopefully,
I won't die a painful death.
This is my life.

Happy birthday to me

I have so many awesome plans for my bday I don't even know where to begin.

Oh the humanity

groan groanIt's hot outside. I mean it's really fawkin' hawt out thereah. Every day that it reaches the 90s, you can feel the power grid strain in agony. The humidity feels like a down blanket wrapped around your body. The low-level groan of ac units sort of lull you to sleep at night as you sweat to death in your sheets.


10 signs that you're older than 40

Once you get past 40 year mark, your birthday slams rather than sneaks up on you every year. Here are some signs that you've hit this hellish mark.

1. Your Facebook friends tell you how "great you look" even if you're a complete mess.

2. Those microfiber golf coats don't look half bad.

3. It's just easier to sit while you pee.

4. You'd rather watch the History Channel than have sex.

5. You try to avoid any food with onions in it.

6. You haven't listened to the radio in your car in years.

7. Every room in your house has an air freshener.

8. You can't wait until one of your kids turns 16 to be the designated driver.

9. There's no reason to go to the movies when they're out on RedBox in two months.

10. Pre-cooked rotisserie chicken.

They're stupid and they'll die!

When I was growing up, the 4th of July meant fireworks. Not just the show on the actual night of the 4th, but the kind you light yourself. My brother-in-law, let's call him Jack, used to get an assload of all types. I loved blowing things up with firecrackers. Back then even at like ten years old, adults trusted you not to shear off an arm with an M80. The funny/sad thing is today kids are so dumb it's more than likely they'll accidentally swallow a lit smoke bomb.