I was born. I suffered.
I suffered some more, and hopefully,
I won't die a painful death.
This is my life.

Cake, beer, and strangers

If you're ever in need of some awkward fun, go to the next birthday party that your child is invited to. Obviously, if the party is at some lasertag hell hole, just go run some errands. If the partaaay is at the parent's home, bring your kid in and look around. Do you see chips and dips laid out? Are there other adults there besides the parents? Yes? Then wait for the invite. "Why, yes, I will stay for a little while." Hopefully some halfway hot moms will also stay. Ha.

 How to tell if your hosts are alcoholics:

 If the kid's dad brings you a beer from the garage cooler that's filled with ice and beer, and he or the mother aren't drinking, then they are alcoholics. You can sort of tell by the look of agonizing ecstasy on their faces by watching you drink. They'll wait until the cake is eaten and everyone is gone to go all Days of Wine and Roses.