I was born. I suffered.
I suffered some more, and hopefully,
I won't die a painful death.
This is my life.

Put your tuna in the air (and shake it like you just don't care)


I've become very adept at surviving on little or no money/food/will to live. I attribute this, "Never give up until your leader kills himself," strength to my German heritage. I know what you’re saying, "Eric, I'm filthy rich, so how can I be more like you?" I'll tell you. For you rich people out there wanting to experience how "real" life can get, here are some steps you can take to immerse yourself in the hell.


PHASE 1


If you are used to such fancy foods like steak, lobster and Cornish game hens, then this process will be a bitch. Start by weaning yourself off of that aristocratic slop. Take it slow, you may suffer a series of debilitating withdraw seizures. I have no doubt that you will survive, but you must be strong. For this to really work, you will have to eliminate all temptation to go hog-wild at your favorite high-brow specialty foods store. So, a few weeks before hand, up your contribution percentage to your retirement/401k plan that you have. This will ensure that the amount you take home in your check is very meager.


PHASE 2


You will subsist on the following foodstuffs: Uncle Ben's Ready Rice. This brilliant product is a life saver. In addition to the pre-cooked goodness, it comes in many flavors. 90 seconds in the microwave, you have an elegant meal. It's even great for first dates.
Any brand, yellow fin tuna in water. Now, if one day, you're feeling sassy and fancy, try adding a can of tuna to your rice. This will add some much need protein to your diminished diet. It also adds some bulk to the rice and makes you feel full. If you are still longing for filet mignon, keep the tuna in the shape of the can by gently tapping it out onto the plate.


fig. 1 Filet mig-tuna
(Your results may vary)
Generic soy/teriyaki sauce. I liken soy sauce to what drinking out of the Holy Grail would taste like. Delish. You can add it to so many different things, even hot dogs. It is a must in your rice and tuna concoction, because the mixture can be a little dry.


Cheerios. Now there are a few different varieties of this vaunted staple of the breakfast table. Stick to the original. The original is usually the cheapest, and they won't stick to your hands like the honey nut variety when you eat them for lunch at your desk.
Fat-free yogurt. I know some people just cannot stand yogurt, but it’s like 60 cents a cup. With so many flavors and varieties out there, you are bound to find one that you like. A plus is that it will sort of remind you of when you could afford to have a decadent dessert at dinner. You must get fat-free. Just because you’re poor, you shouldn’t be fat too.


Pretzels. Usually, stores will have “two for whatever” price. Get those. If you buy a giant bag of pretzels, a. you will be tempted to eat them all in one sitting, or b. they will go stale and you will break a tooth. Pretzels are also good for dipping into your yogurt.
Water. You now cannot afford soda or sports drinks. Splurge on a bottle of water somewhere so you can keep it to refill. This will allow you to hydrate your whole body. You will also find that your skin won’t be dry in the winter time. No more spending hard-earned money on body moisturizer.


The only area that you can spend extra money on is alcohol. No! Not martinis, Thurston. Just simple beer, cheap wine or vodka. Being sort of drunk a couple nights a week will help you deal with the realization that your life is meaningless. Plus, it will help fill you up so you don’t need to eat at night.


PHASE 3


Now that you have grown accustomed to living like a hobo, you may find that you even like it. Fuck all the materialistic haters out there. You are a lean mean subsistence-living god! Oorah!