I was born. I suffered.
I suffered some more, and hopefully,
I won't die a painful death.
This is my life.

Thurston's Deck Staining Service


As many of you know, I have more than a few siblings. One of my brothers, let’s call him Chris, has enjoyed much success as a nuclear plant worker. Suffice it to say, he is pretty well off. Well, Chris has been unmercifully taunted by me and my brother Craig, who many of you may hate. Chris’ nickname is Thurston, of Gilligan’s Island fame. Thurston Howell III is a multi-millionaire on the TV show, sporting steamer trunks full of money and an endless wardrobe of expensive clothing. He is accompanied by his wife, who he refers to as Lovey. The Howells try to get out of as much work as they can on the island and usually trick Gilligan into doing it for them. Thurston speaks with a very aristocratic tone and is basically an amalgam of how rich guys sound. Click here to see a clip of Thurston.

Well, as it turns out, Chris(Thurston) became slightly bored on his recent vacation and decided to stain the neighbor's massive deck. Ever since Thurston took on the job of staining his backyard cedar fence by himself last summer, he labors under the delusion that he is a Davinci of the wood stain. Even though Thurston, I'm sure is diligently hard at work slathering Olympic Semi-Transparent stain everywhere, Craig and I have a different vision of this venture.

We envision that Thurston has a couple of Mexican illegals slaving away on the deck while he is sipping mai tais in the hot tub and being fanned by a third Mexican. Of course, Thurston can't be bothered to remember all of his worker's names, so he calls them all Gilligan. The following exchange of dialogue is no doubt what occurs every work-day:

Thurston: "Gilligan, make sure you don't get stain on the siding, and my God man, where did you get those wretched sneakers?"

Lupe: "Mister Thurston, my name is Lupe."

Flaco: "Mister Thurston, the bamboo handle on this fan is giving me callouses."

Thurston: "Damn it man, I told you to put white stain on that railing! Do you know how bad brown stain is going to clash with white yachting pants!"

As you can clearly see, a job handled by Thurston's Deck Staining Service would be very entertaining to watch. Make sure to look for the ad in this weekend's Wall Street Journal.