If you've ever experienced sleep paralysis you know that it can be scary and hellish. In essence, your brain wakes up while your body is still paralyzed in REM sleep. As you lay there unable to move, you can hallucinate and sometimes imagine that creatures or demons are sitting on your chest holding you down. This the same thing that happens when mentally unstable people go on the Jerry Springer show and claim that they were abducted by aliens.
This is the scene that played out in my room last night. I awoke laying on my back and my eyes were the only body part that weren't paralyzed. Suddenly, I saw a little white amorphous blob floating over to me from the left side of the room. It stood next to me at the head of bed. Another blob stood a few feet taller and floated to the right side of the bed. The right hand blob was pointing at my legs and left hand kid-sized blob was just staring at me. I tried to scream, but no sound would come. As I finally regained movement in my body, the two apparitions faded into the dark.
A big whoop-whoop shoutout and congrats goes to my ex for her pregnancy, (not mine by the way). Have fun with the demented reality show.
Recently, I was chatting with my brother, let's call him Lefty, and we discussed how I am able to control the bad luck of other people. For example, pets die, vicious yet hilarious cross-country ski accidents, unexplained deafness, ill-advised pregnancies, finger impalement's, unprecedented snow-fall...etc. etc. Point being, I'm like a Reaper on the TV series Supernatural, or the bizarro A-Team. If you don't have a problem, and no one else can give you one, and if I can find you, maybe you can fall victim to Me.
I really like to swear. Nothing is more satisfying when you are stuck in mind-bending traffic on the way to work than letting out a few four letter words and pounding the steering wheel. There are some who think that swearing is bad for your "soul", but I think that if there is such a thing, it is really chicken soup. Tell me, who is it really hurting? You aren't killing, maiming, or molesting anyone. It's sort of like verbal masturbating. I refuse to believe that you can go to "Hell" by saying the f-word a few billion times in your life.
Ah, I can't wait to get that next bill in the mail or get yelled at by the ex.
If you’re like me, nothing gives you more pleasure than reading nasty text messages from the ex. Here’s some recent gems from mine:
—i hate u right now
—whatever helps u sleep at night
—u couldve done a good enough job to stay there at least until u got a new job in the area but once a selfish bastard…always one
—atleast the kids r fine in spite of u
Ah, good times, good times.
Labels: Nasty texts from the ex