I was born. I suffered.
I suffered some more, and hopefully,
I won't die a painful death.
I'm Eric and this is my life.

Happy happy joy joy

Happy Birthday to I Hate Craig!

The Old Man and the engraving tool

A long time ago there was a brilliant old man called The Old Man. The Old Man had many inventions and unique ways to do things. From cut-in-half propane tanks as pool side ashtrays, to milk carton crate tool carriers, he was the shit. One day The Old Man came home with an electric engraver. No doubt, he bartered for it by wiring someone's whole house. I can only assume that he thought having his John Hancock scrawled on everything he owned would prevent burglars from cleaning him out.

All true
Without warning, The Old Man proceeded to haul in every tool from his work van. There he stood all night long beaming with pride while the immense noise of the engraver carved his full legal name into every hand tool. Pliers, side cutters, hammers, power drills, measuring tape, screwdrivers, nut drivers, Minnie Driver, razor knives, pocket knives, flashlights, anything that wasn't nailed down got his electric-powered signature.

Well The Old Man must have loved that feeling of putting his mark on everything he touched. I guess that's why he impregnated The Old Lady so many times. Idiot. He also had a few of those massive silver dollars that he drilled holes into and used as key chain anchors. He engraved the fuck out of them too.

Now that The Old Man has long since retired into the lap of luxury, and all of his tools have disappeared. If you are using a pair of needle-nose pliers right now with his name scratched into them, please return them. No questions asked. Bring back The Old Man some of his dignity.

SharePoint, the IT field's Island of Misfit Toys

Ah Microsoft's SharePoint, the bane of IT departments worldwide. The redheaded stepchild of enterprise software. Only not in a cute Ron Weasley sort of way. If you don't know what SharePoint is, you're lucky. You probably don't have some painful office job. This Microsoft product is sold to witless IT manager types as a magical product which will solve all sorts of business ailments. In fact, SharePoint is a conglomeration of what can best be described as "stuff" - and as this "stuff" is bolted together, the end product is "stuff" that doesn't do anything really well at all.

I thought that I'd go through the things that SharePoint doesn't do instead of what it does.

-It is not an incident and change management system. You have BMC Remedy, fucking use it.

-It's not a development platform. You aren't going to create fancy apps out of it.

-Reporting is atrocious. You aren't going to get awesome jaw-dropping graphs and data out of it. Working with SharePoint charts reminds me of the Excel 97 class that I took in college.

-Don't get rid of your shared drives. Because of silly database size restrictions, isn't a file storage system. Dropbox for business baby.

So there you a few excruciating details of the hell that is SharePoint.

You're all that and a container of lard

Attending the neighborhood 4th of July holiday puke fest yesterday, I became disturbed and livid at the self-described hotness of some of these wives. It’s almost like a reverse body dysmorphic disorder.

Hag, just because your emasculated and pussy-whipped husband begs you for his weekly spelunking session in your bat-winged vagina, doesn't mean that every man on the planet would kill to bang you. And it’s funny how mean spirited snide remarks are always part of this miserable package. Happy 4th America.