I was born. I suffered.
I suffered some more, and hopefully,
I won't die a painful death.
I'm Eric and this is my life.

Real Xmas trees are twats

When my ex wife and I were dating, before we were divorced, and not after. That would be hawte. We lived in a cozy apartment together. My ex wife, let’s call her Christine, like the car, was and still is pretty short, but full of piss and vinegar. The first Christmas together we decided to get a real tree. Hey, why not? We had our whole fabulous lives ahead of us together. I’ve long since mentally blocked out most of my past life, so I don’t remember any specifics on how or where we got the tree. But I’m sure it was fun. We put it up. There it stood, screwed to its stand in all of its green pine-scented glory. We then decorated the shit out of it.

At the end of Xmas, it was time to tear the tree down. All went smoothly until trying to get the damned tree stand off. The trunk had swollen and had a death grip on the metal eye hooks in the stand. The next scene will go down in the annals of Christmas history as one of the most heart-warming ever. As I was wrestling with, swearing at, and beating the Xmas tree to try to wrench the stand off of it, a little plastic ornament that normally hung on the patio door, fell down and lodged itself in the door track. The ornament had, “Sisters are Special,” written on it. At this point I was pretty frustrated and hot, so I tried to open the patio door. It was stuck. I became furious and yelled, “Sisters are Special!” Christine proceeded to scream, “Boyfriends are assholes!” It was classic.
Not the actual infamous Sisters are Special ornament

At some point Chrissy got the Sisters are Special ornament out of the door groove. The tree was still bolted to the stand, and I couldn’t take it any longer. I slammed open the door and hurled the Xmas tree, stand and all, over the second floor balcony where it landed with an earth shattering thud into the apartment parking lot.
Looking back, I suppose I could have just brought the tree down the stairs. But that’s not how I roll. So really people, unless you’re a complete raving masochist, just get a fucking fake Xmas tree.

The cynic's guide to American politics

Take your poison bitches.

  1. America is a Plutocracy*
  2. You can’t fucking impeach Obama or repeal Obamacare, you fucking idiot you. Taking away 10 million people’s health insurance would result in another civil war.
  3. Evil corporations rule the US. Politicians are bought and paid for.
  4. There’s a thing called, “separation of church and state.” All you batshit-crazy religious zealots stay home and pray that zippers were never invented or something.
  5. There’s no magic widget that requires thousands of people in a factory to assemble. Those days are over. Anything that we do manufacture here is massively automated.
  6. If your kid gets mowed down in a mass school shooting with an AR-15, would you want stricter gun laws? Or would that just make you and your slack-jawed, Jesus-lovin’ redneck fucking friends move to a ranch in the desert and stock up on guns and ammo, waiting for the apocalypse?
  7. Kirsten Gillibrand is hawte.
  8. Mormons and door-to-door campaigners are the same thing.
  9. If you want to keep your party, you can keep your party. It doesn’t matter. They are both the same.
  10. Again, America isn't the world’s police force. We don't have the money to go around toppling dictators and miscellaneous Islamic nutjobs. If they want to destroy us, let them come here. They'll ultimately feel sad for us, with our crumbling roads, bridges and infrastructure and go back to their desert shitholes.
*(the wealthy and powerful rule the hordes of poor)

Best barters of The Old Man

In my never ending quest to recall every brutal and excruciating moment of my life, I’ve decided to take a look back at some of the great barters of The Old Man. This will be a multi-part series, and I expect some collaboration from The Family. 
As you may recall, The Old Man was a famed electrician in my hometown. Cut from the same savvy business acumen as let’s say a Lee Iaccoca, The Old Man could smell a deal from a mile away. Not that they ever resembled anything close to a good deal mind you.
The orange over-sized down coats
My brother, let’s call him, Craig, imparted one such painful, Let’s make a deal moment. So one fall, two of The Old Man’s sons needed winter coats. Let’s call them, Robert and Chris. Well, it just so happens that a certain shrewd Jewish clothing store owner needed some electrical work done at his shop. Oy vey! And he had a deal for my father.
Jewish shop keeper: “Aach, I will give you these two luxurious down jackets, as seen in American Werewolf in London, if you were to wire the gutted fourth floor of my building.”
The Old Man: “Throw in a scarf, and you have a deal sonny boy!”
The coats were marked up to $90 a piece.
Now these down jackets were way too big for two poor bastards and the arms were flopping around on them. But The Old Man had his deal.

Fuckloads of pumpkin-flavored heaven

It’s that time of year when every bloody thing is made with copious amounts of pumpkiny goodness. If you can drink or eat it, odds are, there’s a pumpkin version. But what is it about pumpkin that makes your miserable life just a tad better? Is it a slight reminder of when we had actual fall weather, as opposed to going from summer straight to brutal winter as we have now? And when have you ever just sat down, cracked open a pumpkin and started eating? Does anyone know what an actual pumpkin tastes like?

Years ago, before the pumpkin orgy, the only thing made of pumpkin was pie at Thanksgiving. I suppose that we humans get a taste of something and have to go full-tilt until we go careening off of the ledge. At this point, we’re approaching the ledge, but the amounts of goodies that can be made with pumpkin, are pushing that ledge infinitely far away.

U2: Songs of Innocence. Sure it’s free, but you pay for it with bits of your crushed spirit

There’s nothing I like more than free music. So when U2 announced that it was giving away their new album during the iPhone 6 launch shin-dig, I was mildly excited. Mildly, because I haven’t considered U2 cool since the 90s. And now, I stand firm in this assertion. The songs are filled with an abundance of “oohs” and “aaahs” and also “weooohs”, “ah woah oh we ahs.” It’s horrific. I would so demand my money back, if I had paid for it. Songs will definitely be at home on any generic pop rock radio station.

Musically, there’s nothing interesting or to write home about. It really could be named: 11 Discarded Coldplay Songs

Parentheses are cool
 It’s not that I expected much. But from the band who made Achtung Baby, well, it just falls a tad short. Alas, that was long ago.

Maybe this Apple iTunes album is just the promo for the actual one coming out later in the year?