I was born. I suffered.
I suffered some more, and hopefully,
I won't die a painful death.
This is my life.

How to tell if your life is a wanton cesspool of despair and the mundane

1. Would you describe your work area as "cube-like" ?

2. Are all of your clothes khaki-colored?

3. Even though you are a man, do you ever pee sitting down on the toilet and just cry?

4. Do you have to swipe a badge-like thing to get into your office building?

5. Even though you are an Atheist, do you ever wish that god would just kill you in your sleep?

6. Does it take multiple sleeping pills to turn of your brain at night?

7. You're bored most of the time.

8. Everyone you talk to sounds like they're on the 'The Delicious Dish' skit from SNL.

9. You feel like Neo at the end of the first Matrix.

10. Obviously, there's something severely wrong with happy people.

If you agree with most of these, your life is a wanton cesspool of despair and the mundane.

Killing in the name of…

I think that it’s time for the leaders of all religions to publicly admit that it was all a big fucking joke. Tell your sheeple that it was done to enslave them and you’re sorry. In other words, set them free so the most militant of them can you know, stop shooting and blowing innocent people up.

I know it maybe hard to relinquish the reins of tyranny and oppression, but really, leaders, your lives will be much better for it. You can still carry on the charitable work that you do, like feeding the hungry and homeless. But without all that sanctimonious bullshit.

So there you have it. My one part process to creating world peace—remove religion. Thank you.

Happy Holidays, why the fuck am I here?

Merry fucking Christmas
A long time ago, my family used to have epic Xmas parties. Now everyone has moved away, and it's all gone to shit. From our long family history of merry-making, I have compiled this list of tips to help you survive the holidays.

1. Drink heavily--just a given.
2. Have thick skin. There will be lots of snide remarks and ribbing. See number 1.
3. Going along with number 2, try and look your best. Diet heavily, even if you have to become a  bulimic for a couple of weeks before hand.
4. Your kids and a relative's kids will fight and eventually destroy any fun you may be having. See number 1.
5. Get drunk faster than your spouse, so he/she will be the designated driver.
6. Bring your host a gift, preferably wine in one of those velvet wine bags.
7. Tell your know-it-all uncle to stfu.
8. Your wife never lets you have sex on Xmas Eve, so you don't have to be that nice to her.
9. Make sure you bring pj's for your kids if it's a Christmas Eve party. They will be asleep by the time you get home, and they'll be dead weights.
10. Your family will forgive you most things. Divert most of the blame to your spouse.

Real Xmas trees are twats

When my ex wife and I were dating, before we were divorced, and not after. That would be hawte. We lived in a cozy apartment together. My ex wife, let’s call her Christine, like the car, was and still is pretty short, but full of piss and vinegar. The first Christmas together we decided to get a real tree. Hey, why not? We had our whole fabulous lives ahead of us together. I’ve long since mentally blocked out most of my past life, so I don’t remember any specifics on how or where we got the tree. But I’m sure it was fun. We put it up. There it stood, screwed to its stand in all of its green pine-scented glory. We then decorated the shit out of it.

At the end of Xmas, it was time to tear the tree down. All went smoothly until trying to get the damned tree stand off. The trunk had swollen and had a death grip on the metal eye hooks in the stand. The next scene will go down in the annals of Christmas history as one of the most heart-warming ever. As I was wrestling with, swearing at, and beating the Xmas tree to try to wrench the stand off of it, a little plastic ornament that normally hung on the patio door, fell down and lodged itself in the door track. The ornament had, “Sisters are Special,” written on it. At this point I was pretty frustrated and hot, so I tried to open the patio door. It was stuck. I became furious and yelled, “Sisters are Special!” Christine proceeded to scream, “Boyfriends are assholes!” It was classic.
Not the actual infamous Sisters are Special ornament

At some point Chrissy got the Sisters are Special ornament out of the door groove. The tree was still bolted to the stand, and I couldn’t take it any longer. I slammed open the door and hurled the Xmas tree, stand and all, over the second floor balcony where it landed with an earth shattering thud into the apartment parking lot.
Looking back, I suppose I could have just brought the tree down the stairs. But that’s not how I roll. So really people, unless you’re a complete raving masochist, just get a fucking fake Xmas tree.

The cynic's guide to American politics

Take your poison bitches.

  1. America is a Plutocracy*
  2. You can’t fucking impeach Obama or repeal Obamacare, you fucking idiot you. Taking away 10 million people’s health insurance would result in another civil war.
  3. Evil corporations rule the US. Politicians are bought and paid for.
  4. There’s a thing called, “separation of church and state.” All you batshit-crazy religious zealots stay home and pray that zippers were never invented or something.
  5. There’s no magic widget that requires thousands of people in a factory to assemble. Those days are over. Anything that we do manufacture here is massively automated.
  6. If your kid gets mowed down in a mass school shooting with an AR-15, would you want stricter gun laws? Or would that just make you and your slack-jawed, Jesus-lovin’ redneck fucking friends move to a ranch in the desert and stock up on guns and ammo, waiting for the apocalypse?
  7. Kirsten Gillibrand is hawte.
  8. Mormons and door-to-door campaigners are the same thing.
  9. If you want to keep your party, you can keep your party. It doesn’t matter. They are both the same.
  10. Again, America isn't the world’s police force. We don't have the money to go around toppling dictators and miscellaneous Islamic nutjobs. If they want to destroy us, let them come here. They'll ultimately feel sad for us, with our crumbling roads, bridges and infrastructure and go back to their desert shitholes.
*(the wealthy and powerful rule the hordes of poor)